Porn, passion and porter

The Irish man is a puzzling creature. We baffle people sometimes. We confuse ourselves most of the time. We love to have a laugh at our own expense or anyone else’s for that matter. We have a wild streak which is natural and honest. We take life relatively easily and carefree. As a Paddy with a piss potation problem, I know how we love to celebrate everything with booze. We love to lacquer the various trimmings of life with gallons of intoxicating liqueurs. Sure our Taoiseach (Prime Minister) is a booze hound of Boris Yeltsin proportions.

It is in our fabric, our genes, our complex carbohydrate DNA. If Dr. Ludwig Boltzmann (a renowned Austrian biologist and physicist) had the time to examine the cells which make up an Irish man, he would be presented with something so surreal and absurd, he would pack in science and turn to the drink. Under a microscope, the Irish mans cells do not bother to multiply and divide, rather they bounce around each other while staggering against a membrane, sucking the bejaysus out of any passing liquids they can find, in the hope they might be alcoholic.

You see it is ingrained in us from a young age to drink. It is the norm. It is the magical part of life. It is where we release the beast. It is when sex happens. This last part I hold to be the complete epitome of Irish manliness as we have learnt it. We are raging bulls after a few pints of Guinness and a couple of shots of Jameson. I know because it’s what was always true for me. Sex and booze just go hand in hand, or toe in mouth, as the case may be.

I have a radio show these days on Bondi FM. It’s a hoot and a half and myself and my co-host interview some great guests – musicians, poets, business people and the like. Last Friday we had the pleasure of having a porn star and a celebrity stripper on the show. Check out Joanna Angel (www.burningangel.com) and Michele “Bombshell” Mc Gee. They were of course, lovely girls. I got to ask the porn star Joanna about her relationship with booze. I wondered how she could do it when she wasn’t drunk. Did the girls drink to get over the fact that they were having sex with strangers for money?

She was incredulous. She said that all the girls loved it and enjoyed it (tell me more I thought). She told us that no girls would be employed if they didn’t want to do it while sober. She asked who would employ a DJ if he came to work drunk all the time (plenty I thought!). You couldn’t just drink to get over the nerves. It was a job for her and her band of slutty sober hornballs. Not a night out on the pull – A job. What a job I thought to myself – shagging for a living.

And there’s the thing – I equated being a porn star with boozing it up and getting mashed. I thought the girls would be guzzling margaritas while slurping on 14” black willys. I thought a ménage a trois would entail a melange a tequila. And when they told me the truth I was a little bit disappointed. I am a recovering alcoholic and I was upset to find out that women who fuck for a living are not constantly pissed. Now, where is the logic in that? The whole thing is a complex association of alcohol with pleasure. Retraining the brain to feel pleasure and arousal and excitement without grog is a difficult process. Not that I struggle.

I don’t suffer erectile dysfunction disorder. If I did I would be straight down to the local sex shop to get some new costumes for my lovely wife. If I couldn’t get aroused I would set up a website for it and I’m sure would find a solution. My point is that it is really difficult to perform S.N.L.P (Self Neuro Linguistic Programming), not to be confused with S.D.L.P (Social Democratic Liberation Party). Years of conditioning and advertising creates a thunderously strong series of so called truths which are difficult to falsify and expunge.

So how to do it? How do you cast off the past? How do you change tempo and go your own way. The answer is one day at a time, with a big goal in mind. This is true no matter what you want. If you want to be a world class ballerina, your goal might be to dance for the Bolshoi company one day in the Kremlin. Everyday though, you must live that dream. Practice, train and get a little bit closer all the time. If you want to find a cure for cancer – you need to be a doctor or a scientist, therefore you must study hard short-term to get to college and on and on. If you want to get to grips with you sexuality, you must do it sober, just like the professionals. Every day you must train a little, practice and visualise what it is you want. If it’s three hour tantric orgasms you’re looking for, then get out of the pub, but some Dvds, grab your woman, man or eunuch and edge closer to that reality.

Me, I want to be sober, and I do it one day at a time.

Right, I’m off to research some of these websites…..