How to write a blog.

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they feel like they want their opinions to be heard. When this moment comes to you beware – you could be scooping up dog poo with your hand covered in a blue plastic bag when it hits you. It could be as you are toweling your saggy pallid torso after a short cool shower on a hot Autumnal day that the light clicks on in your twisted brain. It could hit you as you are parking someone else’s car between a Porsche and a Ferarri. When you get this feeling…this “of course people would love to know about my journey into Gnostic mysticism” or “why yes, I should tell the world about my thoughts on the link between acne and world domination” – well, when this feeling comes, rejoice, dance a little dance and guzzle as much chocolate as you like, for redemption is just around the corner. You are ready for your very own blog.

Writing a blog is easy. It is. Those who tell you it is difficult or needs work are full of shit or are trying to sell you something.  If you already have a blog and are stuck for ideas then fear not. If you are just starting out and are stuck for ideas then fear not. If you are afraid your ideas are too quirky then fear not. If you are afraid your ideas are too boring then fear not. No matter which bracket of fear bucket you plop yourself into, you can be assured that you are over analysing the situation. You have to realise that blogging is not Marital Law, it is not a chapter in the Bible, it is not going to have people killed and it is not against any Empirical Ethical Statutes whatsoever. So take yourself out of the fear bucket. Get the bucket and melt it. Destroy it. Never be afraid to write what you think – For it is for this very reason that you want to blog in the first place.

Many years ago I was taught the most valuable lesson ever in English writing. It was taught to me by a fine educator who understood the importance of this structure when one is READING something. This lesson is THE MOST IMPORTANT you will learn when it comes to writing short stories or articles. This goes for journalists, esasayists and lonely online bloggers. It is so obvious you might think I am being whimsical by stating it, but I got an honours degree in English by employing this method. So here it is. Use paragraphs. Paragraphing your story is essential to allow the readers mind to focus and move on, focus and move on. Begin each paragraph with a strong short sentence that is direct and to the point. Use the guts of the paragraph to develop this point. Then conclude and move one. This is the single most important structural technique you will ever learn and use in your writing career. End of paragraph.

Writing a blog needs to be done with feeling. If you are sad express it. If you are feeling instructional then instruct. If you want to regale people with tall tales then regale. Never let your sincerity lessen no matter what the emotion inside your system. Readers know bullshitters. Don’t fill people with bollox. Readers love to listen to tales of anguish and loss. Readers love to hear tales of woe and success. Readers love to read about funny things. Some readers even love to learn from time to time. You have to immerse your reader in the authority of your sentiment. Expand your thesis. Develop your thoughts. Give opportunity to possibilities. Allow the little things to become magnificent and to glow with rainbow juice and milky old man scent. Don’t forget to end each paragraph clearly.

Writing a blog means you can say what you want. If you are ever stuck for ideas then all you have to do is revert to this- Say what you want. Brainstorm some thoughts surrounding what you blog about. Let the connections get as loose and distant as possible. Then tie them back into something which you relate to. For example. My blog is about the history of Didgeridoos. I have written 25 blogs already and am kind of stuck. Time to hit the randomating brainstorm machine. Didgeredoo = Aboriginal = unoriginal = leftfield = filed rave = acid house = Irvine welsh = Scottish psychos = backpackers trip = baked beans and noodles = noodles in aboriginal art = aboriginal symbolism…BINGO! Do a blog about the symbolism of Didgeredoo’s in aboriginal art. Once again, make sure you tie off the paragraph. Do not leave the reader thinking there is something from this paragraph in the next .

There are two last things to know about blogging. You need to blog as regularly and as often as possible. Think of it as a daily exercise for the mind. Or a weekly trip to the cerebral gym. Or a bi-monthly blast of brain juicing. Any longer than that and people will either think you are dead, useless or not that interested. Either way, make it a regular habit. I fail at this bit more than any other bit and when you stop blogging, people stop reading. Simple. The other thing is to use Keyword searches before writing your blog so you know what people are looking for. If you know nothing about this then click through to this great link which tells you all you need to know about keywords. Let me tell you that before I wrote this blog I noticed that 74,000 people search for the term “How to write a blog” each month. It pays to do research.

That is it. End of this blog. Throw in a couple of funny pictures and you are half way to millions of online hits and comments. Notoriousness is just around the virtual corner. If you are a complete blogging virgin then I suggest you go to http://www.grassrootsinternetstrategy.com.au/ before you burst your hymen and end up with some lumpy didgerdooman.blogspot.blogger.com.au name which is about as much fun as a backed up toilet with a dose of diarrhea. Last but not least remember that bloggers are the last chain in the free world revolution. Your thoughts matter and it is your right to shout your gob off and free your sobbing brain. Now go get ’em tiger! Or penguin. Whatever you are.