100% Guaranteed Foolproof Hangover Cure

 I have suffered many hangovers. Years of alcohol consumption has given me knowledge of guaranteed remedies to the multitude of hangovers I have suffered. Lots of people will tell you they can cure a hangover with a particular drink or cure one with a certain type of food. My Option 2 is the complete cure. It is guaranteed to work. Just call me the Doc. It is the definitive answer to your stomach, head and mind. Follow it, and in the future, you will not fear the dreaded hangover…

There are two foolproof ways to cure a hangover.

Option 1

The first and foremost way is to wake up, change your t-shirt (or fancy glittery top) and head back down to the pub. Call and text anyone and everyone you can think of. Assemble a posse of delinquents and allow yourself to become scutteringly drunk by 2pm. Jager bombs, white Russians and extra strong flavoured mojitos normally do the trick. Be as messy and as funny as you want, as you can excuse your ridiculousness by claiming not to have slept. People will be appalled, impressed and excited, depending on their own level of sobriety.

This is a blog about being sober (allegedly) so there is an alternative, if also containing less potential for madness. It is a foolproof guide to curing a hangover. Follow it step by step and you will be right as the proverbial falling sky water by the end of the day.

Option 2

1. Wake up and take two Nurofen Plus with a pint of water. DO this even if you don’t have a headache at the time. Prevention is better than cure
2. If you can walk, go to the kitchen and take some rehydrating salts that you can buy from any chemist for zip all. Swallow another pint of water. Enjoy the bloaty feeling
3. Get to the bathroom and brush your teeth, then sit down on the throne and take a shit. Force it out if it doesn’t come easily. You need to eject the evil alcohol remnants and make room for what’s to come. If you need to vomit do it now. Empty your guts.
4. Get into the shower. Turn it onto cold and step under. DO IT. DO NOT WUSS OUT. Slowly turn it onto warm as your body reacts. Have a wank if you are a boy or play with yourself if a girl. Get all sudsy, fingers in the ass and imagine as naughty as you can. When finished, turn the shower cold and hot again. Shock your body.
5. Throw on some clothes, pop some optrex red eye into your aching eyeballs and head to a local cafe and eat the biggest greasiest brekkie you can find. Cram as much as you can into your belly. Fuck any diet you are on – this is the critical part of your hangover cure.
6. Follow your breakfast with a sweet double espresso coffee of your choice.
7. Walk in the fresh air to the sea if you can. Or a park. Breathe in the air. Deeply. Stretch your muscles, simple exercises. Little hamstring stretches are amazing.  Loosen your limbs. If you live near a beach get in for a swim, no matter what temperature it is. You will heat up again. Your body needs to feel invigoration. Get it into you!!!
8. On your way home pick up a DVD or two (Comedy and thriller). Get home and if you are in a relationship get into bed and have some sordid nookie. 69’s and kinky thoughts a go go. Less sex and more fellatio and cunnilingus. If single have another wank (maybe to some porn) or play with yourself if you are a girl. After finishing, have a snooze for an hour or so under the duvet
9. Wake up again and head for the drinks cabinet. A nice bottle of Pinot Noir or a stiff drink is the order, something like a whiskey sour or an appletini – very easy to make. (W. Sour is Whiskey with sugar, lemon juice and a little bitters mixed together – appletini is vodka shaken with apple schnapps and apple juice). If you can’t handle it stick to the juices (WUSS!)
10. Get into bed or cuddly on the couch and watch your DVD’s. Slip off to sleep and dream of polar bears and massive lolly pops.