How Not to Be A Rapist

Lads, it is not easy these days. What with the feminists and the social media and the video cameras. It is getting harder and harder to go out and have a good time without someone crying rape.

What can be done about it? How can we reset this imbalance? How can we change it to make ourselves accepted into society again? How can we stop these liberal new age ideals from crippling our ability to have a good old fashioned “laddish” time?

Read on because you are in luck. I have the answers.

Here are my credentials

I have gotten through forty-one years of my life without raping anyone. With one in four women in the world sexually assaulted or raped, that is no mean feat. That’s almost 1 BILLION women. That is a monstrous statistic. That is a serious amount of sex assaulters and rapists. How did it get to be such a big number? Most of us are alright, right?

Well, here is how I managed to not rape anyone, yet still enjoy relationships with many women including – 9 years now married and faithful to one amazing woman.

I am going to share my three top tips for not raping. This is foolproof. I mean, let’s face it, who wants the career-stunting question mark of “Definite Possible Probable Charged with being a Rapist but eventually acquitted?” hanging over them. It is not cool. Especially if you have to get Daddy to bail you out. And expensive lawyers. Not cool at all.

So here are my top three tips for avoiding this irritation.

1. Don’t Rape

What?? Seems obvious right? But let me tell you, this is the fundamental starting point for us men. It is the cement that holds all the blocks together. Do not rape. No rape. Raping is the worst thing you can do as a man… the worst. It is the most vile and loathsome act you can perpetrate upon another human. They are teaching kids in Kenya, Africa not to rape. It is probably time we taught it in Ireland. Again, do not rape.

If you are the one with the lump of swizzily mushroom shaped cheese hanging between your legs, you are the man. You have the penis*. And you are the one responsible for what happens with your penis. You are the one who can do the raping. It is your responsibility to know that when you take it out, that the other person is happy to be on the receiving end.

This is your obligation, legally and morally and sexually. You are the only one responsible for what your penis goes into. The responsibility of the penis is yours. Remember that. At all times. Seems simple right?

But what exactly is rape you might ask?

Here is the definition of rape – just so we are clear on what it is. This is a dictionary definition, not a legal framework or legal understanding of what is, or isn’t rape. I have to admit that I did just google this, and I was a little surprised with the result.

Rape is unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against a person’s will…or with a person beneath a certain age, or incapable of valid consent due to mental illness, mental deficiency, intoxication, unconsciousness or deception.

Here is why I was surprised reading this – I get the forcibly and threatening side of things, but if someone else is intoxicated and you have sex, then you are raping them. Or at least, you could be raping them. How is their consent legitimate if they are drunk and don’t know better? What if you are drunk and not thinking clearly? Heavy going right?

I think of rapists in two ways – there is the classic rapist. This is the pre-meditating psycho who stalks and preys upon innocent victims. This is the deviant who already knows that what he is doing is wrong. He desires to enforce himself and show his power. He knows he is a rapist. He needs to actively subvert that other human and bends them to his perverse sexual will. They do not recognise any kind of responsibility to the other human. Giving them tips on how not to rape is pointless.

Then there is the casual rapist. This is the irresponsible and misogynistic sort who craves their own ego and lusts to be satisfied whatever the cost. This might be someone who loses control after drinking or drugs and allows a dark suppressed side of them to come out. Or it may be a group of men who cajole each other to further depraved and immoral ways of conducting themselves… more often than not with women. These are the sorts who would not consider themselves to be rapists… but by definition they are.

The not so subtle way of understanding this definition

If someone is unconscious, mentally deficient or too drunk to be responsible for themselves and you have “sex” with them, you have according to the law “raped” them. If you deceive someone in some way about what is happening and have sex with them… again, you have raped them. It is not a joke. It is not consensual. Just because they don’t say no, does not mean they consent.

That’s a mad sentence… what?! – JUST BECAUSE THEY DON’T SAY NO, DOES NOT MEAN THEY CONSENT.

Weird right lads? Yeah, I know. You could be out having a great time, drinking a geansaí load of pints, shots and cocktails. You could meet a woman, take her home and bang her in the airing cupboard of your mate’s gaf. Top story. Top night. Top shagger.

But things may not be as good as you think they are. You may, in fact, have committed rape. That girl or woman may have had too much to drink and been incapacitated at a certain level. She may remember being afraid and feeling powerless as you maneuvered her into a room and put yourself inside her. She may check in the morning and finds traces of your semen inside her and on her knickers. You obviously did not use a condom as you were too fucking horny and she was “up for it”.

But, in fact, she was not up for it and she had not given consent. She leaves angry and feels violated. She tells her best friend, who tells her to call the cops or the rape crisis centre. She doesn’t bother as she knows the system is so stacked against her that it is not worth it.

She takes a morning-after pill and books herself in for a sexual health check.

You may have gotten away with it, and the girl may have to shoulder the shame and the disgusting feeling around with her. Or she may report you to the cops. And you could get brought to court to stand trial. You will probably get away with it because it is so hard to prove beyond reasonable doubt. The system has been set up by the wig-wearing Patriarchs to protect We, the penis bearers.

But it boils down to this.

As the person with the penis, it is fundamental that you know for sure that the girl wants to have sex. The best way to know this is to ask her. Nicely. It is up to you to know she is of clear mind and able to give you the nod of approval, the invitation or whatever it needs to be, so you can make love or fuck or shag… whatever it is that you want to call it.

As the person with the penis, you can do this without ruining the moment. It can be done by asking very sweetly or saucily, or telling the girl you would like to… asking her if she would like to. You can whisper it to her. Or she can take the lead and be in complete control and charge. Whatever it takes to ensure you have valid consent. Remember, that is what you have to do.

Having the penis means you are the one who rapes. It is not the other way round.

Situations where you need to get clarity include (but not restricted to)

1. If you have just met the girl
2. If there is any doubt about her level of consciousness or drunkenness.
3. If the situation is out of the norm (like, more than one guy with one girl).
4. Any other time that you want to have sex with a woman.

GET SOME FUCKING CLARITY AND ASK HER.

So before you go shagging anyone, make sure you know they are into it. Make sure it is clear. If you are too drunk or deranged to do this, then you leave yourself open to raping. Fact.

This is not a test run. I repeat – this is not a test run. If you fuck up once, you are a rapist. If you get away with it, you are still a rapist.

This brings me up to my next tip.

2. Don’t Rape

This might seem the same as the first. In fact, now that I see it written down, it is exactly the same. You see, in my experience, I have found that not raping is the only way to not rape. I cannot think of any other way of not raping.

I can hear some lads thinking “Don’t be a killjoy right – we’re not raping, just having a good time”. And I get it. There is a good time that needs to be had, but it should not be at the expense of raping someone.

The Male Group Mentality

Lads humour, dressing room banter and male group dynamics are part and parcel of many male lives. They are important for some for establishing status and rank. They can be ritualistic environments where it is taught to be tough and hard and careless. I have been there. You don’t show weakness unless you are completely confident and above that pack mentality.

There are borderline jokes and feelings get hurt. There is smut and derision and you would tend to show your most manly of faces here. In Ireland the more you like, love and know another man, the more likely you are to insult him. It is just the way it is.

What does this have to do with rape?

Well, you see, lads can get carried away in each other’s company. They egg each other on into situations which seem reckless, irresponsible and dangerous to more mature and intelligent minds. We have egos and testosterone that drive us to out-do each other. That can be tricky when it comes to women. Mix in a little misogyny and privilege and you have a powerful cocktail brewing.

Magic Hybrid Cock Loving Unicorns

We need some context for this next segment.

Women, in general, do not fantasise about getting double ended by two or three meaty men. They do not, in general, desire to be taken three ways by a bunch of penises. I have never heard a woman indicate this to me in real life. I have never heard a woman say “Ooooh three cheddar tasting, sweaty ballbags and cocks at once? Yes please.” “What, group Bukake with a Football Team? Yes Please!”

And I have had my fair share of encounters with the fairer sex. I have even been involved in 3-way and 4-way action. But never, ever have I had the situation where one woman has been up for some multiple man shenanigans, without another female present. Maybe that is just down to the women I have met. But no-one I have met has shown me or told me differently.

It is a very rare, magical unicorn nymphomaniac who is up for this kind of sexual encounter.  They are few and far between and I can tell you, that most women who are into group men action are the kind who will control that environment. They will tell you what they want. They will ask you to invite your friend in.

Unless…

Well, probably unless they are being raped.

Unless they are too drunk to know what they are doing (RAPE). Or fearful of what will happen if they don’t go along with it (RAPE). Do you get the jist of it?

Here is the deal lads – if you are out with your teammates and having a great night and go home with a woman, you need to establish one clear thing – consent.

ONE CLEAR THING – Is the girl/woman directly saying she wants more than one man? And is she saying she wants penis?

This cannot be innuendo, or suggestion, or assumption. This cannot be something that “just happens” lads. Because let’s be clear – 2/3-on-one sex with a girl does not just happen. It is not normal. It is not something that most women would agree to. Remember, women think very differently to men. Remember that lads.

You can establish this via a direct question – ie. Are you up for this? Are you enjoying yourself? Would you like us to continue? Would you like Jimmy to join in? Do you want all of us to get the mickeys out? This is very important to establish whether you are raping or not. If a woman says yes, then you can high five and get back to your ball banging fun and frolics. If she seems unsure, frozen or indicates she is not very happy by not responding at all, then stop. Fucking stop. It’s simple.

Porn is ruining it

When I was a young lad, porn for me was browsing to the Undies section of the Damart Home Shopping Catalogue and looking at the girls in lacy bras and knickers. Eventually, I made some friends in my teen years, and in their houses I discovered copies of playboy and penthouse. Girls in magazines with big tits and sexy asses. Some even showed their pussies!

This progressed to watching the sex scenes in The Name Of the Rose over and over. The rest was left to my imagination and daydreams. It was all relatively harmless. I got excited by women but was unsure about them. I knew that I would gain my confidence at some stage, but for me, there was always a magic about women which I wanted to explore. My Dad always told me “Enjoy women son, but always respect them.” It has been my mantra to this day.

Nowadays porn has become an uncontrollable beast. There are billions of hardcore videos available at the touch of a button, to any boy with a mobile phone. It erodes the imagination. It perverts your expectations. It deludes you into imagining that hardcore fantasies are realities. Like a drug, you might move onto harder and harder categories. Your expectations blend into reality. You see women differently.

You objectify. Women are sluts. Women are there to gratify you. Women are sex objects. Women are up for spit roasting and getting slapped around. It’s in your mind. It’s in your friend’s minds. It’s a slippery jizz stained slope. Women are up for gangbangs. Women want cock all day. They love it. They want your dick pic. They want you to come on their faces every single time.

And here is the crux of it.

It is OK to have lots of sex with lots of women. It is OK to do whatever it is you want, once both of you agree to it. But do not let your skewed perverted view of the world fool you into thinking that most women think like that. Porn is not real. The power tripping horniness, is a symptom of your delusional state of mind. It is not reality. Do not let the two of them get confused. Do not think all women are there for you. They are not. They are there for themselves. WOMEN get to choose. At every stage – they get to choose and they get to change their minds if they feel uncomfortable.

Which leads me onto my last tip…

3. REPEAT 1 & 2 INDEFINITELY.

It seems too easy, right? Just follow those two simple steps to spend a life without raping. Isn’t that something?

This does not turn you into a pussy. This does not turn you into a dry shite. In fact, it is just the opposite. It turns you into a real man. Looking out for women should be something you pride yourself on. Ensuring women agree to consensual lovemaking/fucking/riding will make you a better lover. Women will respect you more, you will have more confidence and you will find you have better and more fulfilling lust filled experiences.

Respect women lads. Respect them and open that manly, considerate heart inside you. Open it up big and wide and try to think of what it must be like to know that every time you walk past a penis, it twitches and its owner thinks ‘She’d get it”. Imagine what it feels like to know that there is a 25% chance you will be raped in your life. Imagine what it feels like to know that most people will not believe you if you tell them.

In all my years of riding and women, I never had a situation where a woman left my company crying, bloodied and distraught. It never happened. If it has happened in your presence then it’s time to face up to some harsh truths and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

Women are not protesting on the streets for fun.  They are angry because they have been pushed around for centuries. Women are being raped and trafficked around the world and there are very few people doing anything about it. Irish women are protesting because we live in a free and open democracy and they feel they have something to protest about.

We are a somewhat progressive little country.

And our women deserve our attention. They deserve it because unlike many, they can voice the sentiment of billions of women around the world, without fear of jail or punishment. Our Irish women deserve you to listen to them. Even if it pains you to do so. Take the time to put yourself in their shoes.

Remember it could be your sister, your mother, your daughter or grandmother who could be next.
Take the time to listen.

Open your hearts and instead of thinking about how annoying you feel the #Ibelieveher hashtag is, imagine what it must be like to be one of the 90% of women who are raped or sexually assaulted who never gets any justice. It is time to listen with open hearts and open minds.

The women of the world deserve it.

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*Please note: This article has been written from the perspective of a straight man. I respect and acknowledge that there are other gender types who do not fit into my sweeping generalisations. Thank you to those who “get” the intention of this post and don’t take offense at me not being 100% inclusive.

**Please also note: This article has been written in the context of men raping women. As some commenters have pointed out, there are other types of rape and I do not mean to isolate, trivialise or ignore the horror of their stories. This is a conversation that is just beginning for me.