10 Signs Your Drinking is OUT OF CONTROL but in a good way

1. You begin to enjoy the Blackouts

Blackouts are not for everyone. Some people claim never to experience them. But most of us have forgotten parts of a night at some stage or another. That’s all well and good. The problems arise when you begin to enjoy the complete memory erosion that accompanies your binges.

Not only does piecing together the previous night’s mayhem become an enjoyable exercise in receipt collating and self hypnotic private investigation, but you are also allowed be as abusive and truculent as you ever may have wished – because you know you will remember nothing.

How good is that? It is a license to deepen your knowledge of self and also say what you want to people.

2. You bury your keys in the garden before leaving the house

We have all been there – slurrying around the front of the house, knocking over plant pots and whispering (shouting) to yourself about some absent madness. We fumble and bumble but cannot squeeze our hands into our jeans pocket as we are holding a glass of wine (knicked from pub at last orders) and holding two cigarettes (one lit, one unlit)

Deflated and disillusioned you lie on the grass and get back in touch with Mother Earth herself. You roll on her comfy green bosom and slurp her juicy nectar. The stars whirl and you feel at one and at peace. As the shivers wake you from the dirty mess you find yourself in some 3 hours later, you realise you had forgotten that you had buried you keys in behind the rose bush.

Genius at work. You have reconnected with natural life and not needed a locksmith.

3. You realise that soiling yourself is OTHER people’s problems

We all need to do it. We all shit, piss and carry on. It is the most natural thing in the world. From the dawn of time until the end of eternity we shall defecate and urinate. Somewhere along the line people began worrying about health and sanitation and social norms. Pffff, please.

The greatest discovery we make in life, is one of self acceptance in the face of all adversity. In those moments when filled with conflicting emotions, all hubris and shame, we realise that our soiled warm chinos are natural and to be loved are the most revelatory in life. Sure, her carpet may have a damp patch, but, well, but…..

It is your damp patch. It is your scent, your power. Never forget that. The trauma exists only in their head.

4. Your body fat index is increasing to levels suitable for hibernation

With all the climate change that’s going on, one must prepare for the future. Some people say the world is cooling, others say it is heating up. You say tomayto I say tomato. The thing is that if you beef that body fat up with sustained years of indulging, you will have layer upon layer to keep you warm if the earth does freeze over.

Diets change all the time. Scientists can prove almost anything to be true. Nutrition fads come and go. The truth is that fat saves lives. Fat is what keeps the seals going through the bitterly cold winters. Fat saves lives, don’t forget it.

When those skinny vitamin freaks perish in the not so distant future, you can laugh a little into your pint of lacquerish stout.

5. You make and lose friends at the highest speed possible

We love them…the rich drunkard who shouts the bar a round of tequilas. We envy their wealth, their charisma and their ability to give people what they want. Not only that, but they are equipped with a set of skills which few realise are life lengthening.

If I was to ask you what is the worst emotion of all you might answer “grief”. And you would be right. But consider this. The knob end drunk that blows his weekly wage on galleons of booze for himself and for others is learning how to make friends quickly and lose them even faster. As soon as the money stops and the cup is dry, the new amigo is no more.

What happens? You cope. You cope and learn how to cope when reality bites you in the ass. Incredible to know some so schuttered can be so advanced in psychological training.

out of control

6. You regulate your image/moods according to the drink you are drinking

It can be as simple as cider for the summer mayhem and porter for the evening sombre chill – White wine for the drinks with a blond chick and rum and ginger when the disco beats are pumping. This is an ability that many drunks have and is often overlooked in the great scheme of things.

Think of it like a gearbox in a car. As the speed picks up, you shift up through the levels. It is the same for a drinker. You have an unsurpassed cunning when it comes to portraying how you appear AND how you feel. In one quick swoop. All in a drink.

Such an advantage needs to be recognised and understood to be truly appreciated.

7. You play out the roles of your favourite drinking ads

Some folk call you crazy. Others call you a dumb shite. But you know that truth. And the truth is that smarter people than you made adverts for a reason. They made them so you could recognise the virtues that drinking brings into your life. They made them so you could understand what it is that drinking a certain drink means to you.

So you act out the roles you watch on television when you go into pubs. Whether it is the Geailge speaking Carlsberg man or the sharp speaking cartoon man you become when you find a bar that serves real Duff beer, the reaction is the same. Who is this guy? And what is he doing?

But you know. You are part of a bigger picture that few can see and less understand. At least that’s what you tell yourself as you sway away from the bar

8. You learn how to scrap and slag

Life teaches ugly lessons. One is that some people are mean and they will say things to make you feel bad. Drinking gives you a Double Dutch delivery of instant retorts and witticisms. Sure, not everyone will laugh or stay around to hear the end of your punchline, but you will have an answer. As Socrates/Jesus/Guy at bar said “To thine own self be true”

Of course sometimes you will say the wrong thing to the wrong person. But that’s OK. You are ready. Drinking hard means you will be in scraps, fights and squabbles. Your knuckles will be ready, your ribs a force to bear. You will stand and fight like men do. And women these days.

So’s your mother and the quick one two. Life’s gift to the bar room animals

9. You slip away from the construct of mass produced reality

Ever wonder how people deal with the reality which is force fed to us by arrogant brain fused politicians and corrupted media empires? Many don’t. They become wanton conspiracy wing nuts, as daft as a box of one legged frogs. You do not need to go this route.

The wonder of alcohol is that it turns sharp into blur, fuzz into grey and angst into ease. It does. Combining your ability to regulate your mood with type of drink you drink WITH the ability to consume vast quantities of your particular mood enhancer means you can slip away from the puerile attempts to cloud your world with gormless propaganda.

Drink and let all that nonsense be something that someone else to worry about. None of it matters in the end

10. You spend more money than you earn

The earlier you begin drinking the quicker you find out that you need to borrow money to feed the habit. This is a lesson which can take many people years to discover. “Gis a lend of a tenner till Tuesday” is a mantra which you can apply to your finances at a larger scale.

This financial world is built on debt. Many people worry about going into debt and paying people back. The drinker learns what bankers are taught from the get go. Borrow as much as you can, pay back as little as you can, and have zero qualms about it. Learn from the masters and if all else fails at least you can have a few drinks to ease your worries.

Life is short. Money will come and go. But giving the proverbial continental about any of it is not to your advantage.

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