I’ve spoken to quite a few people about this and am trying to get to the bottom of the facts (no pun intended). Does being boozy turn you into a floozie? I talked last week about whether getting into bed with women was helped by a man’s consumption of alcohol.
I will conclude that with the following equation
[M($)+M(:))]-[M(A)+(M1*0)] = F(:):):))+LO
M = Man, M1 = Any other men, F = females, LO = Legs open
Now this week I am going to write about the effect that booze has on your sexual performance. Does it enhance or hinder? Does it make you a Rambo or a Rain man? Does it release the Bull or the Boor?
I have been thinking about some high fallutin’ terminology to try and encapsulate this topic. I have been pondering upon the psychology of Eros, the sexual release of the id and the ego, the subtle interaction between the body, the mind and our sexual energies. Add alcohol and you come up with a formula which is difficult to express, let alone express candidly and succinctly.
It boils down to this. Alcohol blurs the edges. It encourages a certain recklessness and adventure. It convinces you to try new things with abandon.
When it comes to sex, some of us are nervous. We are inexperienced, worried about how our bodies look and how we will perform. Booze blankets this in a massive duvet of carelessness.
Most women need some emotional connection and cerebral attraction to a man in order to shag him. Men, on the other hand, would most probably get up on a bundle of wet cushions if they thought it’d feel good and nobody would find out.
To achieve this emotional connection, most people have a few drinks which loosen up the conversation and the levels of tactilicity. In other words, after a few vodkas she’ll have her hand down the front of your pants because she is comfortable that you’re not a rapist or an axe murderer.
The danger with alcohol again is this – when to stop. As the night of a date draws on, one wonders how the progress is going. Will she come back to mine? What’s she like in bed? Did I clean my room? How will I perform? Will she be dirty? Will I have to be in control? Does she think I’m funny enough?
I have found as a general rule of thumb that if I am talking to my cock in the bathroom when I am out on a date with a girl, that I am getting too pissed and should try to seal the deal as soon as possible.
Talking to your willy when having a piss seems like a good idea at the time. Picture Al Pacino in The Whole Nine Yards – “You can do it, believe in yourself, no excuses, tonight is your night to stand up and be counted, blood, sweat and tears (with any luck)”
It is easy to go over the edge when it comes to inebriation and sexual performance. You see there is a thin line between the mindset of “drunk and going home for a shag”, and “drunk and going somewhere for more drink, a kebab and a meat flavoured lurch and snog at some taxi rank to be woken on the couch with your pants around your ankles watching Playboy Bunny TV by your flatmate or worse still, your mother”
I remember when I was about twenty, I went on a football trip with my team in Co. Cork in the south of Ireland. We all had a great night on the piss, heading to the local disco, and most lads managed to get some girls back to the hotel. We bribed the Night Manager with a few quid and we were carrying on playing strip poker and joking around. Drinking of course was continuing unabated, for the necessary course of beating the band.
I had a young lady with me. Let’s call her Mary. She was pretty with wavy blond hair and big green eyes. Her nose hooked a little, but it gave her a weird Grecian look. She was skinny with little fried egg boobies and an ass that was sardine can tight. She played for the local girls GAA team.
I convinced her to sneak up with me to my room for a few minutes. Although she was a little frightened she was obviously safe with me, and felt a little excited by the idea of it all. Upon entering the room I noticed my roommate was already back in his bed so we snuck into the bathroom. We were quick into each other, sliding down onto the floor, fumbling with boxers and bras and t-shirts. With the hungry yearnings of youth she dropped down to gobble my manhood. Alas, my member was there in spirit but not in body. Come fucking on, I urged. Please just go hard. I looked at the back of her head, thought about Cindy Crawford, Gabrielle Sabatini and Natalie Embruglia having a pillow fight in panties in the rain but nothing happened. It must have been like chewing on soggy Liga biscuits through a sausage skin.
Needless to say our liaison ended not too long after amongst recriminations, self analysis and some finger pointing. She fled the scene in a taxi ten minutes after. Upon returning to the lads in the Residents bar I told them of my unfortunate lack of activity. Some of the older lads laughed with that chuckle of experience. Ahhh, brewers droop I was told. It happens. Not to worry about it. It’s the drink that does it. Fuck that I thought to myself as I ordered another pint of Heineken.
Aside from the obvious effects of getting it up, there is the other side of it too – getting it up and not knowing where to put it. This has happened too many times for me to recount them all. I remember meeting a girl when I worked in a bar in Greece for a time. We went out, got drunk and ended up back in mine. We were drinking and carrying on, naked before long and soon up to the natural act of practising procreation. She owwed and ooed a few times before stopping me and telling me that I was investigating the wrong hole. Heated and wild from the drink I turned over and she got on top. I fell asleep with her writhing away on me. Upon waking in the morning I was the true gentleman and dropped her back into the town on the back of my moped. As she dismounted she informed me that my performance the night before was rubbish. I informed her that she looked similar to a semi mashed potato, tooted my horn and sped away.
Nowadays I don’t drink but would believe I am more sexual than ever. If you go to many of the AA recovery blogs on the internet you will find that most ex alcoholics increase their interest in sex as a means of replacing another addiction. Your confidence eventually increases when you stop drinking and so too does your libido. You find that beast inside you and you can release it onto a very beautiful, fortunate woman (or women) or man (or men). The point is that when you are sober you are in control of all your faculties. You realise that sex is nothing to do with being drunk and dirty, but about connecting, trusting, being horny and experimenting.
Sexual performance is directly related to how comfortable you are in yourself and with the person you are with. Alcohol will give you a short term fix of this, but will ultimately need more and more consumption for the same response.
So my advice is this. If you are in a relationship and want to improve your performance, do not go drinking. Clear your schedule for an evening of special bonding. Write down five things each, fantasies if you will, and place them in a hat. Clean the bedroom from clutter, get the candles and low music on. Agree to be completely honest and fulfil the fantasies as best as possible. Enjoy your amazing sexual energies for what they are.
If you are single then I challenge you to go out and pull a member of the opposite sex while not drinking alcohol. Try it. At least get a phone number. Feel the power and control of sobriety when you are out. Release the sexy animal in you. See how women respond to your strength of character and how men are more attracted to the alternate chemicals you exude.
Right, I’m off to the sex shop….