Staying sober at the staff Christmas party

I had to backdoor it the other day from the staff Christmas party…what a shame, sham and scoundrel I am indeed.

It started so well, just a crispy fizzy apple juice, some sausages and some rolls. Lovely pressies were handed out to one and all and the music played, the sun shone while even the homeless drunk seemed happy.

I was good while we played games – cricket, rugby and soccer – and by good I mean I wasn’t thinking about getting pissed and going crazy. Well, I was but I could contain it. I focused on the activity and human interaction, and enjoyed myself that way..

As the evening came and went and the sun went down, the conversations amplified. People danced more, threw more, ranted more. They looked louder, heard louder and acted louder. They drank more, slurred more, laughed more.

As I sat on the picnic bench, the girls dancing on the table, the lads waffling in the ear, the strangest sensation came over me. I found that as I looked at people, an elasticated elephant would appear from the top of their head. Ye Gods, I thought, how can they not notice? I looked at another person, and there was another one, trunk wiggling purple grey, smiling at me, teasing me. I couldn’t understand how they could dance and laugh and talk and not be thrown off by them. I was stumped, speechless and sober.

I realised at that moment that I had to get away. My mind was breaking down as the others became more and more inebriated.


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