The secret to getting a job

If you want a job, you will normally need to do an interview. This can be a daunting process. You need to look and sound the part. You need to sell yourself and you have 20 minutes to do it.

I haven’t worked a proper job in over 2 years. In that time I have forgotten all about how these things work. And by forgotten I mean completely.

My sister in law put me in touch with the boss of their company, who are keen to recruit someone to work remotely on a commission based deal. We agreed a time to chat on Skype and off I went.

When I logged on to talk there was no sign of him. He must have got the time zone wrong. Silly man, but it can happen to anyone. I laughed a little at how the owner of a big company could do such a thing.

I then checked my emails and saw one from him. It turned out that I was the one who was 2 hours late…not him.

Fuck up number one.

So we rearrange for the following Monday when I am sure I’ll be online and won’t forget. Fast forward to Monday and I am in a library trying to connect to their internet system when I remember I am meant to talk to him again.

The system keeps rejecting me and eventually I get on almost half an hour late. He is good to chat so with not much further ado, I click dial on the Skype box.

Now I’m not sure about you, but sometimes I just jump into things without thinking. I call it impulsive and spontaneous whereas others might call it moronic and ill prepared. Decide for yourself.

The unshaven Hawaiian shirt interview style. Works for me.
The unshaven Hawaiian shirt interview style. Works for me.

So here I am in a library…unshaven with big bubbly white headphones on, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and whispering softly into the microphone.

We exchanged pleasantries.

“So what kind of experience do you have in Sales?” he asked me.

Then it hit me. This was a freaking job interview. I wasn’t just talking to someone new. I was trying to get a job. So then brain kicked in very slowly.

Sales…sales..sales I thought to myself. Sales, what the funk do I know about sales?

“Well, I used to work a sales rep for Guinness in Ireland. But to be honest, it was like selling heroin to junkies”.

Fuck up number two.

Don’t mention heroin in your first minute of an interview. Even metaphorically. Unless you want to work on the street selling the shit. Or not get the job.

He briefly told me what the role was about. I whispered back to him that it sounded good and I was happy to take it. He told me he was working on a sales bulletin and I said to send it to me when he had it ready.

And that was it. He’d be in touch he said. Great. See ya.

The total conversation lasted 6 minutes exactly… I just checked my Skype log. This included whispering about the library connection and a bit about travelling and whatnot.

Fuck up number three.

Spend more than 6 minutes talking about the job, yourself, your prospective boss or whatever you want. 6 minutes doesn’t quite cut it.

It reminded me of a story a friend told me once when he came back from an interview.

“How did it go?” I asked him.

“Ah, won’t be getting it”

“Why not man…you never know…believe in yourself” I said

“Nah, when she asked me what I could bring to the company, I just thought for a second or two and then went “Bwaaeep” (made that little raspberry sound when you blow your lips out) and shrugged my shoulders”

Oh how we laughed.

So I don’t think I’ll be getting that job. And if my new prospective boss reads this blog then even less so. Thankfully I am better at writing than remembering I am being interviewed.

Ah well, onwards and upwards…


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3 thoughts on “The secret to getting a job”

  1. love your article, love your humour and love your style (maybe not the shirt). am going to do your wife’s blog/book course and am looking forward to it very much. i wish you all the very best with your own book deal too! in my opinion, you’re a winner writer!


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