My status is constantly changing. In my world of abstinence I am in consistent flux, vacillating between die hard progressive thought and a dull and mindless torpor. In essence I am pretty happy with the way I am without drinking. But there is always a little nagging “what if” lurking away in the background. On one side the hyper scientist who has maybe uncovered the meaning of the Universe, on the other the deadened whore, who is unbuttoning the pants of an overweight stinking man.
This here is how I feel about my progress. It seems a little too easy. I busy myself with other things of interest: playing poker, keeping fit and lazily maintaining this website. I don’t have time to think about drinking and getting smashed. There is little time to do much else when work and being serially social is involved. But I question the way I am. I wonder if who I am is somewhat staid and typical and aging. I wonder if this is just how it is as you get older and settle. Is it all latté’s and politeness? Do you ever recreate that madness once lived through natural means? Where is the random unassailable world to be found?
I think of the people who struggle daily with addiction and I feel that maybe I am not one of them. Although I have changed my drinking habits I think I am getting away lightly with it all. There are people who need to go to meetings every day to maintain sobriety. There are people who are so embedded into addiction that they have to destroy their life to build it back up again. I just stopped drinking and am pretty much doing everything else I ever did. I don’t struggle, I don’t sweat and I don’t crave too much.
The facts are that I have been having the occasional glass of wine with dinner. I don’t see this as drinking as I am literally having a glass and that’s it. It is controlled and done for flavour more than inebriation. I think that this is a place I can comfortably be. I can enjoy a glass and not feel like I need to finish the bottle, crack open another, then head out, drink some beers, then meet some mates and switch to rum and cokes and get bleary and messy. Is that the future for me? The whole reason for this website is to regain control and become sober. Being a complete teetotal may or may not be the answer.
I suppose the simple advice is to imbibe with moderation. Take up activities which don’t involve the booze. Training, hobbies and knowledge accumulation – these are the key to breaking habits that can destroy lives. We must simply create new, better patterns and habits for ourselves to progress in this world. Constantly assessing yourself and trying to improve will lead to a better you. Control yourself and you control your destiny. This is the real and final Truth.